I have always been grateful for disagreeable people. I’m not talking about contrarians who defy and argue for the sake of self-aggrandizing or know-it-alls. I’m talking about individuals who are honest, direct, and have a genuine interest in pushing past limitations. You know the type. Instead of bobbing their heads in agreement, they push back respectfully. These are the ones who provide the most valuable feedback because they aren’t afraid to question, and they do so with a sincere curiosity.
I recently had a friend tell me he thought I missed the mark on a recent episode of the Hollow Bunny Leadership Podcast in which I co-host with Sylvia Moir. We had on a reporter who works out of the WJLA ABC Washington DC. My friend spent many years in the newspaper industry, so he has the credibility and competence to provide feedback on my interviewing skills. He shared his annoyance that we lobbed softball questions at our reporter guest and wanted us to delve deeper into the current state of journalism and launch hard-hitting questions about what he and his colleagues were doing differently to bridge the divide. He dropped one final bomb in his criticism: “And I came away with zero leadership lessons.”
I thought about storming out of his house, but he has a wine cellar. <kidding>
Organization Psychologist Adam Grant would describe my friend as a “disagreeable giver” — an individual willing to dish out tough love. They don’t shy away from conflict or criticism if it means pushing others to improve. Unlike agreeable takers, who may be pleasant but self-serving, disagreeable givers are more focused on the greater good and the success of others.
These individuals are often direct, honest, and have high standards. They challenge the status quo and are unafraid to point out flaws or areas for improvement, not out of malice but from a place of genuine care and concern for better outcomes.
Because I knew my friend’s feedback was coming from a sincere place of wanting me to improve, I was elated to hear it. He was spot on about the leadership content fail. After all, that is the entire premise of our podcast and nearly every story and anecdote can be tied to a learning principle.
If my critical friend was apprehensive about hurting my feelings, that didn’t come across. Given his career and the man I know him to be, he values honesty over nicety. Now, this wasn’t a professional environment where I am his subordinate. We are friends and we often share a meal and a bottle of wine where we debate and challenge one another to think deeply about complex topics. Because of our relationship, we both encourage open discussions and make it clear that tough feedback is welcome and appreciated.
How you respond to a divergent thought is the biggest indicator of whether a person will offer you feedback. To benefit from tough love, one must learn to receive criticism constructively. This involves listening actively, avoiding becoming defensive, and focusing on the potential for growth.
This doesn’t mean that you must agree with the feedback. In fact, I initially disagreed with my friend about his take on my being more hard-hitting to our guest. First, he was an amazing guest with a great story. But he was just that – a guest – and I’m not there to make him feel like he needs to come out swinging. I’d like to land more guests on our podcast and not scare them away. We went back and forth about this, and he stands firm that any journalist worth his or her salt will be open to hard questions – especially about their profession.
Point taken. Bringing in tension to a topic of conversation forces you to debate stronger about what you know. But here is the key, after you defend your position, be willing to listen as if you are wrong. The latter is where the magic happens. I was in firm disagreement about one facet of his critique, and I defended my position. But in listening to why I might be wrong, he convinced me I was.
Disagreeable givers push others to their highest potential by highlighting weaknesses and suggesting improvements. This tough love can lead to significant advancements in both personal and professional arenas, but it should be balanced with encouragement. There is a certain skill in delivering constructive feedback and it always helps to recognize efforts and achievements to maintain motivation and morale. Basically, you want to elevate others to a higher potential – not shame them or make them feel knocked down.
By pushing us out of our comfort zones, they help us achieve excellence.
Engaging with disagreeable givers also builds resilience. Learning to accept and grow from tough feedback strengthens our ability to handle criticism and adversity. It fosters a culture of continuous improvement where feedback is not feared but welcomed. This resilience is essential for personal growth and professional development. When we learn to see criticism as an opportunity for growth rather than a personal attack, we become more adaptable and capable of navigating challenges.
When I evaluate the people in my life, it’s the disagreeable givers who offer the most value. They challenge us, push us, and ultimately help us grow in ways we couldn’t achieve on our own. Their tough love is a testament to their belief in our potential and their commitment to our success. Embrace these individuals, listen to their feedback, and harness the power of their honesty. By doing so, you’ll not only elevate your own performance but also inspire those around you to strive for greatness. Remember, true growth often comes from the most uncomfortable places. So seek out the tough critics, welcome their challenges, and let their tough love propel you to new heights.
Keep disrupting, my fellow disrupters!
Onward and upward.
