As a woman, it seems odd that I’d take on the topic of masculinity. And yet, I’m declaring myself an expert! My self-proclaimed credibility was honed during my 30 years in law enforcement. When I entered the male-dominated field, I quickly realized that masculinity was often equated with physical strength. This was particularly evident among the ‘muscle-heads’—those whose outward appearance seemed to be their primary focus. Their tailored uniform shirts clung to their biceps, and they were rarely seen without a protein shake in hand. Some carried themselves with an air of aggression, perhaps as a shield against the vulnerability they dared not show. But beneath this exterior, I often found a void—a lack of depth or substance that left them clinging to the only thing they knew: their physical prowess.
Yet, I also discovered a different kind of masculinity—one that was far more profound. Among my colleagues were men who embodied strength not just in their muscles, but in their hearts and minds. These men were empathetic, compassionate, and secure enough in themselves that they didn’t need to prove their worth through bravado. They understood that true power didn’t come from dominating others but from lifting them up. Their presence was calming rather than intimidating, and they knew how to defuse tense situations with words instead of force. They were still protectors, but they didn’t just react to the world around them; they engaged with it thoughtfully and intentionally.
These men were what researchers often refer to as exemplars of ‘positive masculinity’—a concept that focuses on the use of masculine traits to promote positive, ethical, and prosocial behaviors. Positive masculinity isn’t about rejecting traditional masculine traits like strength or assertiveness, but rather about using those traits to benefit others rather than oneself.
This is the kind of man who stands up to bullies and is so secure in his manhood that he protects the vulnerable and isn’t threatened by differences, embracing diversity in all its forms—whether it’s gender, sexual orientation, or identity. He recognizes that true strength lies in acceptance, not in the need to diminish others who are different.
Constructive and Inclusive Masculinity
The difference between the hyper-masculine and the empathetic men became even clearer in how they treated others, especially women. The men who truly understood masculinity didn’t see me as a competitor or someone to belittle. They saw me as a colleague, someone with whom they could share knowledge and from whom they could learn. They championed others, particularly the women in our profession, and their masculinity was evident in their actions rather than their appearance.
I remember standing in front of the bulletin board, reading an announcement for an open spot on the SWAT team. A male sergeant walked by and, upon seeing me, laughed and suggested that I wouldn’t be able to pass the test. It was a moment that could have easily shattered my confidence, but then another officer—a man I regularly worked out with—spoke up on my behalf. “I wouldn’t underestimate her, boss—I’ve seen what she can do,” he said. It was a simple statement, but it was one of the most profound acts of solidarity I’d experienced.
This is what it means to be a disrupter—a person who speaks out and takes risks to challenge the status quo. Disrupters understand that standing up for what’s right often means stepping out of line with conventional expectations. They risk their own standing, their relationships, and sometimes their careers, to defend others and push back against the norms that maintain inequality or injustice.
In that moment, my colleague didn’t just defend me; he disrupted the narrative that women were less capable in the field of policing. He took a stand against the toxic undercurrent that often went unchallenged, and in doing so, he demonstrated true leadership. Disrupters aren’t necessarily the loudest voices in the room, but they are the ones willing to speak when silence would be easier. They are the ones who act in solidarity, even when it’s uncomfortable, because they understand that real change doesn’t come from comfort—it comes from courage.
This officer embodied the essence of constructive and inclusive masculinity. He didn’t need to belittle others to prove his own worth. Instead, he recognized my abilities and stood up for me, demonstrating that true masculinity is about supporting others, not tearing them down.
Confronting Toxic Masculinity
In contrast, there were men who were so weak and insecure that they felt the need to insult and bully anyone who posed even the slightest threat to them. These men were the antithesis of strength. Their behavior was a direct reflection of their lack of moral and physical substance, and they exemplified what is commonly known as ‘toxic masculinity.’ This concept, popularized in both academic and public discourse, refers to the harmful effects of conforming to traditional masculine norms that encourage dominance, emotional suppression, and aggression.
Toxic masculinity doesn’t just harm those on the receiving end of such behavior; it also damages the men who engage in it. Research has shown that men who adhere to these toxic norms are more likely to experience mental health issues, have poorer relationships, and engage in risky behaviors. It’s a losing game for everyone involved. In other words, the misery they project into the world corrodes and eventually destroys them.
A Call to Embrace Positive Masculinity
My experiences in law enforcement have led me to a simple but powerful conclusion: true masculinity isn’t about physical strength, dominance, or the suppression of emotions. Real men stand up to bullies, not by exerting force, but by embodying compassion and courage. Real men say, “I love you,” and express it openly, without fear of vulnerability.
Real men use their strength to uplift others, creating spaces where everyone can thrive. It’s time we reframe our understanding of masculinity—not just for ourselves, but for the next generation. We must raise our sons to be men who are strong enough to be gentle, secure enough to embrace diversity, and brave enough to lead with kindness.
I celebrate and embrace the men who protect, support, and love us every day. Let us challenge them to continue growing into the kind of men who build others up, who stand tall not by pushing others down, but by lifting them higher. This is the masculinity we should aspire to, and the legacy we should strive to pass on.
