I’m not an insecure person. In fact, I consider myself quite the contrary. And yet, lately, I’ve found myself grappling with a glitch in my operating system. It hasn’t been seismic enough to knock me off-kilter, but it’s a blip to my confidence worth exploring.
Recently, I was invited to speak at a summit on a topic I’m deeply passionate about. It just so happened that I’d be sharing the stage with a long-time idol of mine. I accepted immediately and started shaping my keynote to align with the organization’s vision.
Twenty-four hours later, I was uninvited.
It was a mistake, they said. A miscommunication. They already had another speaker. Whoopsie. Sorry.
I hung up the phone and decided I didn’t buy it. They aren’t that unorganized. So that left only one plausible explanation: they hate me.
That is seriously the story I was telling myself. I wove an intricate narrative with a full subplot and antagonist. I had no actual information to support this plotline, but my suspicion was enough to add more fuel. In the absence of facts, I crafted a work of fiction so detailed it could have been optioned for a Netflix drama.
I don’t usually take things personally. Until I do. And I have no idea why this particular incident infiltrated my psyche the way it did.
The Harsh Truth: Assumptions Are Lazy
Making assumptions is the mental equivalent of taking the elevator instead of the stairs. Sure, it gets you somewhere, but not somewhere good. Don Miguel Ruiz, in The Four Agreements, nailed it when he said assumptions create unnecessary suffering. Instead of asking questions, we fill in the blanks with our own insecurities, frustrations, and projections. And then we act as if those assumptions are facts.
If you want to grow, you’ve got to stop making up stories and start asking better questions.
Complaint Questions vs. Real Questions
When something doesn’t go our way, our instinct is often to frame it as a complaint. It’s easier to stew in frustration than to seek understanding. When I got uninvited from that speaking engagement, my brain went straight to: Why do they hate me? Did I say something wrong? Who convinced them to cut me?
I was spinning my wheels, looking for evidence that didn’t exist. I wasn’t searching for truth—I was looking for confirmation of a story I made up.
Now, imagine shifting that thought process. Instead of assuming the worst, I could have asked: I wonder what really happened behind the scenes. I wonder if there’s another opportunity to work with them in the future. I wonder if this just wasn’t the right fit, and something better is coming.
That shift matters. Complaint questions lock you in a cycle of frustration. Real questions move you forward.
Say you’re overlooked for a promotion. Your first instinct might be: Why am I stuck in this dead-end job? or What does my boss have against me? Those aren’t questions—they’re accusations dressed up as self-pity.
A better approach? Ask: I wonder what specific skills I need to develop for the next opportunity. I wonder who I should talk to for honest feedback. I wonder what steps I can take to position myself better next time.
See the difference? Complaint questions keep you stuck. Real questions open doors.
The Cost of Assumptions
Assumptions don’t just mess with your head; they actively work against your success. They damage relationships, limit your potential, and keep you stuck.
When you assume, you create conflict where none exists. You assume your friend didn’t text back because they’re mad at you, so now you’re irritated, they’re confused, and a whole lot of unnecessary drama unfolds.
Assumptions also stunt your growth. You assume your boss doesn’t see your value, so you simmer in resentment instead of asking for feedback or seeking out new opportunities.
And worst of all, assumptions create suffering. Ruiz was right—assumptions make us miserable because we end up living in a story we wrote ourselves, instead of reality.
Curiosity Is Your Superpower
Curiosity isn’t just for kids and philosophers. It’s the antidote to assumptions and the secret to leveling up your mindset.
When you approach situations with curiosity, everything shifts. Instead of snapping at the guy who cut you off in traffic, you wonder if he’s rushing to the hospital or just having a bad day. Instead of assuming a colleague is being cold, you consider that they might be distracted by something serious—a sick parent, financial stress, or sheer exhaustion.
And instead of asking Why does this always happen to me?, you start asking, How can I change this situation?
Curiosity isn’t weakness. It’s strength. It’s what turns obstacles into opportunities and strangers into allies.
Breaking the Cycle
If you’re tired of assumptions getting the best of you, here’s your game plan.
- First, catch yourself in the act. Notice when you’re making up a story without evidence. That little voice in your head saying, They think they’re better than me or This is pointless is your red flag.
- Pause before reacting. Ask yourself, What don’t I know here? The moment you acknowledge the gaps in your understanding, you regain control of your narrative.
- Then, reframe your assumptions into curiosity. Instead of jumping to conclusions, add I wonder to your thoughts: I wonder why they responded that way. I wonder what I can do differently next time.
- Finally, communicate directly. Instead of assuming someone’s intentions, ask. Clarity beats conjecture every time.
Stop Closing Doors on Yourself
Assumptions are habits, and like any habit, they can be broken. The key is to recognize them, reframe your mindset, and ask better questions. It’s not always easy, but nothing worth doing ever is.
So here’s my challenge to you, Disrupters: Catch yourself making an assumption today. Stop. Reframe it. Ask a better question. See what happens.
Then do it again tomorrow. And the next day. Because this isn’t just a skill—it’s a mindset. One that will make you stronger, smarter, and a hell of a lot more effective.
Onward and upward, my fellow disrupters!
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